Most people believe they are self-aware.
- 95% of people think they understand themselves well.
- In reality, only 10-15% actually are self-aware.
That means the majority of us are walking around with a distorted perception of ourselves – and we don’t even realize it.
Self-awareness is one of the most powerful tools for growth… but not if you’re doing it wrong.
So how can we become self-aware enough to know if we are truly self-aware – or just self-deluded?
More Thinking Doesn’t Equal More Self-Awareness
Many of us assume that deep reflection makes us more self-aware. We journal, analyze, and replay situations in our minds, searching for insights.
But research shows that more thinking can actually make us less self-aware.
The Pantyhose Experiment: How Our Brains Trick Us
Researchers Nisbett & Wilson conducted an experiment where participants chose their favorite pair of pantyhose from a selection of four.
The catch? All four pairs were identical.
Even though the pantyhose were the same, participants consistently preferred the ones placed on the right side of the table – a phenomenon known as the position effect (we tend to favor the last option in a lineup).
Yet, when asked why they made their choice, no one mentioned its position. Instead, they confidently gave reasons like:
“This one feels softer.”
“I like the color of this one better.”
“This one looks higher quality.”
This is called post hoc rationalization – we unconsciously make decisions first, then create logical explanations afterward, even when those explanations don’t reflect reality.
The Introspection Illusion: Why We Can’t Always Trust Ourselves
Psychologist Timothy Wilson found that when we try to analyze our own thoughts, we often create explanations after the fact because our brains crave a coherent story.
For example:
- You leave a job interview thinking, “I totally messed that up because I sounded nervous.”
- In reality, the company may have already planned to hire an internal candidate.
- But because we believe we have deep insight into ourselves, our brains default to self-blame and create a convincing (but possibly false) explanation.
This is caused by the Introspection Illusion, a cognitive bias that leads us to:
- Trust our own self-reflection more than external feedback (even when it’s inaccurate).
- Explain our choices post hoc, without realizing the real reasons behind them.
- Assume others’ judgments are biased, but believe our own are rational.
The Two Types of Self-Awareness (And Why You Need Both)
Dr. Tasha Eurich, a psychologist who studied thousands of people, found that true self-awareness requires a balance of two key types:
1. Internal Self-Awareness
This is knowing your own emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and values.
✅ Helps you make better decisions based on what truly matters to you.
✅ Improves emotional intelligence – you recognize your moods and triggers, so you don’t just react.
2. External Self-Awareness
This is understanding how others perceive you.
✅ Helps you communicate better because you can see your impact on others.
✅ Builds confidence – you don’t just assume how people see you; you actually know.
The Problem: Most People Are Missing One
| Type of Self-Awareness | High Internal, Low External | High External, Low Internal |
|---|---|---|
| Issue | Overanalyzing yourself, imposter syndrome | Living to please others instead of following what you want |
| Solution | Seek external feedback | Reflect on your true motivations and desires |
How to Increase Your Self-Awareness
1. Seek Honest Feedback
📝 Try this exercise:
- Write down three words that describe how you think others see you.
- Ask three people (a friend, coworker, or mentor) to describe you in three words.
- Compare their answers to yours – what’s different? What’s the same?
2. Avoid the Overthinking Trap
Have you ever sent a text after a date, then overanalyzed when they didn’t reply right away?
“Did I say something weird? Are they ignoring me? Did I mess this up?”
This mental spiral is called chatter, and when negative thoughts loop endlessly, it’s called rumination.
🔴 Ruminating is dangerous because:
- It makes negative thoughts feel truer over time.
- It intensifies anxiety and self-doubt.
- It keeps you stuck instead of taking action.
📖 Studies show that people who ruminate are more prone to depression, stress, and even physical health issues (Kross, 2021).
3. Shift from ‘Why’ to ‘What’ Questions
Asking “Why?” can keep you trapped in self-blame:
❌ “Why do I always feel unmotivated?“
❌ “Why can’t I figure out what I want?“
Instead, shift to ‘What’ questions, which lead to action and solutions:
✅ “What changes can I make to improve my motivation?“
✅ “What do my happiest moments have in common?“
The Elephant and the Rider: Who’s Really in Charge?
Jonathan Haidt’s Elephant and Rider metaphor explains why self-awareness isn’t just about thinking – it’s about observing real actions.
- 🧠 The Rider = Your logical brain, the part of you that thinks, plans, and reflects.
- 🐘 The Elephant = Your emotions and habits, the things you do without realizing.
Even if your Rider (your conscious brain) believes you’re a great listener, your Elephant (your habits) might be interrupting conversations without you noticing.
How to Train Your Elephant
✔️ Ask for real-world feedback from friends and colleagues.
✔️ Observe your own behavior in different situations.
✔️ Treat your conclusions as hypotheses, not facts.
Self-Awareness is a Superpower
Self-awareness is not about overthinking or self-blame. It’s about:
✔️ Observing your actions without judgment
✔️ Seeking real feedback instead of relying only on introspection
✔️ Focusing on solutions rather than getting stuck in analysis
By shifting from self-consciousness to self-awareness, you can make better decisions, handle emotions wisely, and grow as a person.
Get Dr Eurich’s book (Amazon link) to truly develop your self-awareness – Insight: The Surprising Truth About How Others See Us, How We See Ourselves, and Why the Answers Matter More Than We Think.
Watch the full video on YouTube