When was the last time you thought about someone from your past and you thought about messaging them… but you didn’t?
- Maybe you weren’t sure what to say.
- Maybe you thought too much time had passed.
- Maybe you were the one that didn’t get back to them when they last reached out and you feel bad.
Earlier this year, while researching my secret to a happy life video, I learned that the number one thing that leads to a happy life is deep and meaningful relationships1.
It inspired me to make reaching out to old friends as an ongoing theme for the year.
Reaching out
As soon as I decided that’s what I was going to do it made me unpick why I hadn’t messaged them before now.
It’s quite common for us to think that a message from us won’t mean that much to the person we reach out to. They are busy with their own lives – family, friends and work.
But a 2022 study2 showed that we tend to underestimate how much people appreciate being reached out to.
In psychology, this is called the “liking gap”3 – the idea that we tend to think others like us less than they actually do. And it holds us back from reconnecting, even though relationships (even distant ones) are one of the biggest contributors to our overall well-being.
But the study found that people were very happy to be reached out to, even more so if it was a surprise!
This gave me the confidence to reach out to an old colleague and friend who I haven’t spoken to since the pandemic. We arranged a video call and were on the phone for 4 hours!
It felt like the last 5 years hadn’t passed at all.
We talked about the studies I’d been reading and reflected that as you get older your social circle tends to dwindle. People lose touch, don’t reach back out over time, and you miss them.
It takes 200 hours to build a deep and meaningful relationship4, and both parties need to hit it off and want to be friends, so they are special.
If you’ve already got deep connections with people but you’ve just let them lapse, then chances are they’d love it if you reached out to them!
The benefits of reconnecting
Feeling a confidence boost after reconnecting with my friend, I reached out to an old line manager on social media.
I saw that she’d qualified as a coach a couple of years ago. So when I started to explore studying a coaching qualification, it was the perfect excuse to reach out!
We had a zoom call that same week, had a great time catching up and are having another call soon.
During that call, she suggested I talk with a few other old colleagues who had studied coaching and was happy to reconnect us.
Afterwards, I took a little look into the research surrounding the benefits of reconnecting with old friends and acquaintances!
Weak Ties Are Stronger Than You Think
Mark Granovetter’s paper The Strength of Weak Ties5 showed that our looser, more distant relationships often bring us surprising opportunities – new ideas, unexpected support, even job leads.
These “weak ties” are the quiet bridges that connect different parts of our lives. Sometimes, reigniting one of them can open a door we didn’t know we needed.
Positive Nostalgia
Reconnecting with someone from your past can stir up memories that remind you who you were, and who you’ve become.
Research on nostalgia shows that reflecting on meaningful relationships can boost mood, increase optimism, and reinforce your sense of identity6. It’s not just reminiscing.
The Safety of Connection
Social baseline theory, proposed by psychologist James Coan7, suggests that our brains are wired to expect the presence of others as a way to help us navigate the stresses and risks of everyday life.
When we feel socially supported – even by text or voice note – our brains use less energy to manage stress. It’s as if connection helps us carry the weight of life a little more easily.
A single short message can increase feelings of connection and reduce isolation – for you and the person you reach out to.
Who are you thinking of?
As you’ve been reading this, that chances are that someone has come to mind for you…
Send them a message today!
If you didn’t think of anyone, scroll through your messages, pick a name you haven’t seen in a while, and just say hi.
You never know what might come of it!
Emily xxx
My latest video
I don’t want you to waste your life because you didn’t do things just because they were hard! So I made this video to help you train your brain to do hard things.
References
- Harvard Study of Adult Development: Human Connection is Key to Health and Well-Being. Jane Hart. https://www.liebertpub.com/doi/10.1089/ict.2023.29074.jha ↩︎
- The surprise of reaching out: Appreciated more than we think. 2022. Peggy Lui. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/35816566 ↩︎
- The Liking Gap in Conversations:
Do People Like Us More Than We Think?
Erica J. Boothby. https://clarkrelationshiplab.yale.edu/sites/default/files/files/BoothbyCooneySandstromClark2018.pdf ↩︎ - How to make friends? Study reveals how many hours it takes
https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend#:~:text=In%20a%20new%20report%20published,and%20more%20than%20200%20hours ↩︎ - The Strength of Weak Ties. Mark Granovetter. 1973. https://snap.stanford.edu/class/cs224w-readings/granovetter73weakties.pdf ↩︎
- Nostalgia as a Resource for Psychological Health
and Well-Being. Clay Routledge, et al. https://www.southampton.ac.uk/~crsi/Routledge,%20Wildschut,%20Sedikides,%20&%20Juhl,%202013,%20Compass.pdf ↩︎ - Social Baseline Theory: The Social Regulation of Risk and Effort
James A Coan. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC4375548/ ↩︎