Everything you do comes with compromises.
And everything you say ‘Yes’ to says ‘No’ to something else.
As I look at houses on Right Move (like Zillow in the US) none of them are perfect. Even the ones that are way out of budget!
When we were first time buyers, we were thrilled to be able to afford a semi-detached house in the area that we loved rather than a terraced house or a flat. So we’d only be attached to a neighbour on one side instead of neighbours on both sides.
After 10 years of living in detached houses with no neighbours, we’re facing an issue that detached houses in the areas we like are out of budget. So it’s making us question what’s most important to us. Is it location? Being detached? Space? Cost? Or something else?
Turns out, our values are different now that I’m 38 and Mark is 40. And research shows that it’s completely normal for everyone’s values to change overtime.
In fact, we all follow similar trends in our values as we age.
Shifting values
Social psychologist Shalom Schwartz studied core human values across cultures and found that while we all share the same basic set of values – things like achievement, benevolence, security, and self-direction – the priority we place on each one shifts throughout our lives.
Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson also mapped out how our core motivations evolve over time. He described different life stages, each with a central psychological task – like identity, intimacy, productivity, or legacy.
How Values Tend to Change by Life Stage
🌱 In Your 20s: Exploration, Identity, and Freedom
Top values: Achievement, stimulation, autonomy
You’re figuring out who you are, testing your limits, trying new things.
It’s natural to chase novelty and want to prove yourself.
🧩 In Your 30s: Responsibility, Stability, and Belonging
Top values: Security, conformity, benevolence
You might be settling into career paths or long-term relationships.
The focus turns more toward building a stable foundation and caring for others.
🔍 In Your 40s: Meaning, Mastery, and Realignment
Top values: Self-direction, benevolence, universalism
This is often a time of reevaluation.
You might feel a pull toward deeper purpose, creative expression, or making a difference.
🌿 In Your 50s and Beyond: Wisdom, Peace, and Legacy
Top values: Tradition, inner peace, contribution
As people age, they tend to prioritize relationships, meaning, and emotional well-being over status or novelty.
You’re more focused on what really matters and what you’ll leave behind.
Studies like the MIDUS (Midlife in the U.S.) study and research by Schwartz and colleagues consistently find that values like achievement and hedonism decline with age, while benevolence and universalism rise.
Why It Feels So Uncomfortable
When your internal values evolve but your external life doesn’t change to match… there’s friction.
You might feel restless, unfulfilled, or misaligned.
Not because something is “wrong” but because something is out of date.
Here are a few signs your values might be shifting:
- You’ve achieved a long-term goal… but it no longer feels satisfying
- You keep procrastinating on things you used to enjoy
- You feel a growing urge to simplify, slow down, or contribute more meaningfully
- You envy people who are doing something totally different from you
Try This Reflection Exercise
Ask yourself:
- What did I value most five or ten years ago?
- What do I value now?
- What’s one area of my life that no longer reflects who I am today?
You might discover that the goal you’re chasing isn’t actually what you want anymore.
You have permission
You’re allowed to outgrow your old values.
You’re allowed to want different things now.
Changing your values doesn’t mean betraying your past self. It means honoring the person you’ve become.
So if something feels off lately, don’t ignore it, use my Values Affirmation Exercise to explore what you value today.
Emily xx
My latest video
What would you do if you were less afraid of making that change? Talking to that person? Going back to school?
My latest video gives you psychology backed techniques you can use to overcome fears like these so you can move forward with your life.
References
Schwartz, S. H. (1992). Universals in the content and structure of values: Theoretical advances and empirical tests in 20 countries. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 25, 1–65.
Schwartz, S. H., & Bardi, A. (2001). Value hierarchies across cultures: Taking a similarities perspective. Journal of Cross-Cultural Psychology, 32(3), 268–290.
Erikson, E. H. (1982). The Life Cycle Completed. W. W. Norton & Company.
Ryff, C. D., et al. (2004). Midlife in the United States (MIDUS). Ann Arbor, MI: Inter-university Consortium for Political and Social Research (ICPSR).